I like cooking…

But sometimes you get one of those days where even making toast feels like too much work.

One Of Those Nights

I like cooking…

But sometimes you get one of those days where even making toast feels like too much work.

Last night was one of those nights. I was not inspired to cook, and we just got a FreshDirect delivery. Yay!

But here’s what really happened.

A couple of items were sold out, but no biggie. Kitty ordered a chicken, probably to make a chicken salad.

The chicken was a whole organic, free-range, no-hormone, non-GMO, locally grown, no-antibiotic, soy-free, gluten-free, kosher, halal chicken that was killed humanely while listening to Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind.”

It was so small!

It looked like it came from Honey, I Shrunk the Chicken.

I also got fruits and veggies and herbs and sandwich stuff.

After getting everything put away, I was tired. Let me rephrase that: after Kitty put everything away, wiping down every can and package, I was tired after watching her do that.

I don’t know if you guys ever go through this after cleaning and putting food away: you then don’t want to mess up the kitchen by cooking. No?

You don’t ever think that way? And just order in and say I’ll cook tomorrow?

Or does this happen only to me?

What Do You Guys Want To Eat?

Here’s what I am talking about…

It starts with, what do you guys want to eat?

Then the sound of silence.

Cue Simon & Garfunkel’s “Sound of Silence” playing at a sound level lower than your reading voice in your head.

So I repeat, what do you guys want to eat?

Pause… pause… wait for it… pause… any second now, you know what answer is gonna be…

“I don’t know. What do YOU want to eat?”

So it begins, and this goes back and forth for about 3-4 hours.

Then there is a break. Instead of “I don’t know,” it changes to…

“What do we have to eat?”

If you are single and this happens to you, seek help.

Ok, so now I have to catalog and recite the entire shopping list and everything in the pantry. After that pause I say, well?

And Jesse says, what? Sorry, I had my headphones on.

So I repeat, and he makes a decision. He says, you pick, Dad.

Kitty is fine. She is already ahead of the game with her chicken salad.

So nighttime comes and I make a suggestion. He thinks about it…

What else do we have to eat?

Do we have any pork belly?

No, we don’t. You can’t just call things out randomly and they will appear.

Hmm, ok, you pick.

Fine, I am making sandwiches.

Mmm, I don’t think I want a sandwich.

Meanwhile, Kitty has eaten her chicken salad while watching her crime shows with the sound off.

Do we have any curry left?

Yes, finally an answer!

So I reheat the leftover curry and give it to him.

Now it is my time to make a quick sandwich.

The Ham Problem

I try to open the plastic bag the sandwich meat is in, but the label is over the zip lock. While trying to open the bag by removing the label, I rip the plastic bag. Ugh!

So I look at the honey maple ham and sigh.

The cut is wrong. It’s thick cuts of ham!

Who eats or orders a ham and cheese sandwich and says, make the ham extra thick please?

The ham should be thin slices so you can fold them in curls with cushions of air in between them, so when you put the top slice on, it practically floats on the ham like a mattress on springs.

You have seen the sandwich profile pictures of this.

But nooo, not my sandwich. It is more like a welcome doormat that, when you try and fold it, just springs back like a doormat.

I can only use one slice of ham. If I use two slices, it will break the ham-to-bread ratio law, section 2A, paragraph C, which states: don’t do it… it will be too hammy.

So now I forgot to mention somehow my bread shrunk! Even though the bag says giant.

Also, the cheese slices are packed tight together and they are thin, so I have to try to peel them off without ripping them.

So here I am with bread too small for the thick ham and cheese too thin to peel.

I think if I lay the ham wavy like this, WW, but no luck. It will not bend. It just goes like this: C.

So I gave up and tried to eat it, but I could not do it.

I think I will use the ham for ham and eggs tomorrow.

So a bowl of cereal for dinner works for me.

Editor’s note: yes, I could have julienned the ham, made a noodle dish, or done something chefy. But the point was I wanted a simple one-minute ham and cheese sandwich.

No, I did not finish eating it. I gave it to the cat.

She gave me a dirty look like, wtf, thick ham? What am I, a dog?

She passed on it too.

Editor Notes

Yes, I know I can be a little verbose in my writing, and my grammar is not perfect. But let me know in the comments if you like my stories and if I should continue writing this way, or just put a meme up for faster reading.

Also, please share if you enjoyed the stories.

Oh yeah, if you have any dishes, questions, or stories you want me to write about, let me know.

I have two cats. They are sisters, and I call them both cat.

They are both black, but the emoji for cats don’t come in black. I guess it would look like this with ears, then you would be confused and think it was a mouse or something, and why would I be giving a ham and cheese sandwich to a mouse?