Quarantine Dinner #30: Juicy Lucy

Part 2: Redemption

It’s funny that two days ago I posted about a ham and cheese. It was actually over 1000 words explaining why I did not want to cook or clean, and I wanted to make something in one minute.

This is part 2.

If you missed part 1, here is the link: Quarantine Dinner #28: Ham And Cheese.

Soon after, my inbox was flooded with people feeling sorry about my cooking skills, sending me ideas on how to cook the ham, what to do with the cheese, etc.

Someone sent their family secret recipe that was passed down to them: you bake some potatoes, slice the top open, add cheese, top with ham, finish with sour cream or chives. Apparently, their grandma worked at Wendy’s.

Wendy’s baked potato

I was a failure! I let my people down!

No pretty pictures of food. Just a messed-up ham and cheese sandwich. People who didn’t know me were probably thinking, pfft, I could do way better than that. Or mmm, Mom makes sandwiches just like that.

So I could not leave it like that.

I had to show, prove, demonstrate what I would have done if I wanted to cook something in 15 minutes or less.

I needed to redeem myself and show pretty pictures of sexy food, and not the hideous monstrous thing I posted two days before.

Why Do People Need The Last Word?

But before I do that, I am wondering why people always want to get the last word in.

In the old days, there was this device called a telephone that had a heavy handle and a cord attached to a box with a dial. It was invented by Alexander Graham Bell so that one day people could end a conversation by slamming a phone down hard. If you had the right phone, you would hear a bell go ding!

Mr. Watson, his associate, was the first person to ever have a phone slammed on him.

Slam! Ding!

In those days, there were only three places you could have a heated conversation: your home, the office, or a phone booth.

And it would always end like, oh yeah?

Well, fuck you!

Bam! Ding!

You wanted that ding. It was like winning the prize at a carnival game. Yes sir, great slam!

Here’s your prize!

It was super satisfying.

But then you wanted to say one more thing to top the cake, so you would call back. You had to dial back on the rotary dial. If their number was 979-8900, and you ever had an old phone, you know you had to be pretty mad to call them back. Just dialing back would take like 20 minutes.

You either knew that person’s number by heart, had it in your phone book, or had it written on the wall if you had a wall phone. No such thing as speed dial or a phone book on your phone.

What took the longest was the number 9. It was the second-longest number. It took about 4-5 seconds just to dial that number. One was the fastest. It took like one second to dial.

You used your fingers on the dial to try to make it go faster, but it didn’t work.

So why did they make 911 the emergency number?

If someone was killing you, you would have to dial 9 first like this:

9…………………………………………………………………………………………1….1…. help!

But you know what’s more messed up? England. You know what their emergency number is? 999.

Most people didn’t live past 99. They weren’t talking about age in England. They were talking about dialing for help.

Help dial 999!

Move forward to now. Everyone has cell phones, and now you see people struggling everywhere in public trying to get the last word in.

They walk for blocks yelling into their earbud cord microphone. You know why? Because they can’t slam the phone down, and pushing end call isn’t satisfying.

Beep.

Facebook has almost the equivalent to slamming a phone down. It’s called blocking. I think it has gotten pretty popular recently.

The Alien Argument

It kind of goes like this…

You know that aliens exist for a fact because on Feb. 13, 2002, after leaving that drink on the bar, you told that guy you blew off earlier to watch your drink so no one would slip anything in it. He said, sure, no problem.

Anti alien pill…

You came back and drank your drink and went outside for air. That is when the aliens came.

You saw lights moving around and felt like you were floating, almost like being carried. Then they put you on an alien examination table that almost feels like the back seat of a car.

Alien examination.

Next thing you know, you wake up on the side of the road. That’s the proof! That’s how you know aliens do exist!

You argue back and forth on someone’s wall about how aliens do exist.

You have proof because it happened to your boyfriend. He told you his secret. He got probed. It happened in the West Village in NYC at a bar called Ramrods, and it happened to him almost every weekend. He got abducted.

Boyfriend, the one with the leather hat.

As he explained to you, that is why he had trouble sleeping with you.

So you decide you’re gonna post a response on that person’s wall and tell everyone about what happened to him as proof.

But you try to post on their wall and get unreachable or person does not exist.

That ends a conversation cold. Nothing you can do anymore. End of story.

I personally have a lot of lunatic friends, and that’s OK with me.

I dated crazy girls. It was crazy. But that’s another story.

Back To The Ham

So anyway, back to the ham and eggs the next day.

I made some brunch eggs Benedict. I got the thick ham and used my circle cutter to make ham rounds and fried those. I poached some eggs. Jesse made the hollandaise.

Remember I said in the second sentence I did not want to make toast? This time I toasted English muffins.

The eggs came out perfect. They were part creamy, part runny. When they are too runny, it gets very messy.

BTW, FYI, there is no such thing as Thomas’ English muffins in England. The closest thing is crumpets, and it’s not even close. It’s not crunchy. It’s more pillow-soft and chewy.

The Juicy Lucy

Now for the messed-up cheese. Time to make Juicy Lucys with the super fresh Pat LaFrieda short rib ground meat blend.

I wanted a little less than medium burger, so I did not want to put broken bits on top. I put the cheese on the inside of the burger with perfectly grilled onion, served on an English muffin.

If you never had a burger on an English muffin, try it!

Totally amazing. Hands down, crispy crunchy bread with a juicy cheesy burger. Nothing better than that.

Bam! Ding! Winner!

Editor Notes

Editor’s note: what about the bread? There was only like one slice left, so no French toast. Or bread pudding. Not even bread crumbs.

Editor’s sub-note: the birds were wtf and did not eat the bread.

Editor’s sub-sub note: maybe I should eBay it as Mickey Mouse memorabilia.

Editor’s sub-sub-sub note: I could probably really make some money if I did this.

Editor’s sub-sub-sub-sub note: I did put it on eBay. Please start your bidding: https://www.ebay.com/itm/333580037200

Editor’s sub-sub-sub-sub-sub note: I decided to auction the bread.

The eBay description.

Editor’s sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub note: please like, share, and comment so you can continue to get my feed. Also, what time does everyone look at Facebook? Morning, noon, night, late night?